Breathe

                               
All things beautiful come to an end.Hanging on to what's barely I call my life. Expectations, feeling like you're never ever gonna be good enough. 有心没力 ( having the heart to wanna do sth, but circumstances are against your favour) just makes me feel bad.Only 2 months into the year but I feel like I haven't been leading the life that I want. Down with fever and injuries when you're all so ready to give things your all. Apparently this little devil has been in my lower left back which stubbornly refuses to leave even after a visit to the TCM it just keeps resurfacing. With recurring injury, it's gonna be in the way for HOCC, and all I pray is for things to go smoothly.Mid-terms 4 out of 5 days next week and HOCC (hall dance competition) on the only day that spares me from exams, just intensified the stress game. Admist all these I'm glad circumstance made me realised how far I can actually push myself. Albeit these, can't wait to get back part of the life that was lost in these two months once February comes to an end.                              

These antoinette at the least kept me company for the dull stay in hall last week ): I miss having Valentine's in an all girls school, nonetheless, thank you those who had given flowers!_____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   ____


Never would I have imagined myself to be back in dance after > 10 years, at least not in such dance with such intense hours of training? And it's no doubt that I wouldn't wanna let these few past months (& even tonight) trainings go to waste.In one of the genres- contemp, I found myself. Being a dancer, despite whatever years of experience you may have, it's not just about the skills (?) but also about the emotions. and in this, I understood myself.


This dance required me to express sadness. I gave it a shot yet I felt so incapable of doing so at that point of time. Being sad doesn't come naturally, else you would have seen every girl out on the streets with waterfall in her eyes. It's about having a story playing in your head. One thing for sure, I wouldn't feel for anything that isn't genuine. Cook up any sad (cliche) stories, as long as it's nothing organic, it wouldn't get into me. 


and so, I tried to look back at my past for any sad stories possible. Blank Space. That's right, there was NOTHING. & it was impossible to have nothing. I don't know to be happy or sad. The fact that I've nothing, it scares me. 20 years of living, there's bound to be something sad, yet I couldn't find it within me. 


Although I admit I was tired out & dancing at 3+am, that didn't give me a reason to not feel sad. In fact, 2 am and thereafter had been scientifically proven that it's the most detrimental timing. That's when it hit me that I had lost myself, the ability to feel. I've been so afraid of feeling, so afraid of opening up. Little did I know that, this fear had controlled and mould me into someone so fearful of showing her emotions.  Ghosts of the past had been pushed to the back of my head, tired of getting hurt, feeling sad. & being sad, wasn't being genuinely sad anymore, unless when it comes to a particular matter.


I used to think that being sad was a waste of time, cause I would get all dysfunctional if it really gets into my bones. & decided from a point that nothing was ever gonna be worth my tears anymore, as much as it really built me up to be someone stronger, I was wrong. Cause sadness, it helps sometimes. Cause if genuine, I know I have lived.


I just don't wish to end up in the state whereby feeling sad was no longer about shedding tears, but it's about having no more tears to shed.

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